A double life ...

Okay so I disappeared again for a ridiculous ammount of time ... sorry. Once upon a time I didn't like my life out there, so I coccooned myself in a little virtual world which made me feel safe and secure and warm and fuzzy: on my copious days off I would do nothing but sit in front of a screen and tune in to everyone elses' lives: leave messages, write emails of support, sit in wonderment mostly. Sadly my free days have diminished, so much so I don't even have a chance to use a computer for it's intended purpose (work) much anymore. It really is sad. And it doesn't mean that I like my life out there anymore than I used to, just means I have to deal with it a lot more often.


"Stop the ride, I want to get off!"

Passions...

Theatre rules my life .... with an iron fist.
I don't know if anyone can truly understand unless they're a performer themselves, but the adrenaline rush is too much, even after all these years, to ever think of quitting or slowing down.
Even though I'm constantly chipping away at my Education degree, I still secretly hope that someday I'll manage to find myself a theatre job - acting, directing, writing, administration I don't care.
But because Theatre rules my life, everything else comes second place - family, friends, social life, relationships, school - it is unfortunate but it'sthe burden I willingly carry.
So friends and family get upset when I miss parties and birthdays and holidays, but I have no choice - I'm at the theatre.
I hand in assignments late because I happened to be rehearsing or teching all the week it was due, and I just can't help it.
I drive myself insane getting in the middle of dramas and gossip and rumours and fights happening at the theatre - and they're always so much worse when they're actors involved - I lose sleep and I worry and obsess ... and it's all because I love the theatre too much.

And when people tell me to quit, to save myself, I look at them as if they speak an alien tongue ... I can't quit - it's my life - it's my drug .... it's my reason to go on.

So pick your passions wisely.

HELLO!!!

Sorry it's been so long!

Life out there got a little bit hectic and I had to take a little vacation from blog-land. Hope none of you missed me too terribly.

Today's my mother's birthday .... let's hope today goes better than Mother's day! She's just left for work so I'm going cross-city to her place to completely decorate it with baloons and streamers and other bright, happy, celebratory items, which she won't see until she comes home weary from work in the evening. I also called her early so the first thing she heard was a happy birthday from me.

Busy bee...

I dare not say I bite off more than I can chew because that would just prove everybody right and me wrong ... but I'm just about as busy as I can get these days.

* I'm at uni (college) 9 - 5, monday - wednesday
* out on practical experience 8 - 3 thursday & friday
* rehearsing for "California Suite" sunday mornings, and some tuesday & thursday nites
* rehearsing "Cinderella" every sunday day, tuesday & thursday nite
* extra drama lessons friday afternoon & some thursdays
* work saturday mornings teachin acting
* cram in school work whenever I can
* and sleep on the rare moments I'm not busy.

I hate to say it, but I'm really looking forward to my holidays, when I can laze about the house during the day doing vey little, and perhaps even get some basic cleaning done - it'll be domestic bliss! I think I'm just a little burnt out.

Kimmy I've got my appendages crossed for Ash's exam!

For everyone else: stay safe, be well.

This belongs somewhere else....

I wrote this entry tonight as a comment for another blog, but the comments section of that blog has temporarily been shut down so I wanted to paste it here for safe keeping until I can post it where belongs. Feel free to throw your own two cents in.

Okay just thought I'd throw my two cents in ... but first I want to make clear I'm no history or anthropology or theology expert, this is just information and speculation I've gathered along my travels into literature, and life in general ....

Historically it has been noted that some of the great ancient civilizations (Greek and Roman) which our modern societies were foundered upon, acknowledged and accepted homosexuality as an appropriate social custom, especially male homosexuality. Around 4 B.C. the poetess Sappho came to fame for her verses, some of which idolised female homosexual love. Throughout the Ages, through many of the European civilizations, homosexuality was practiced and accepted. Right up until the early 1900s there are examples of homosexuality in; literature, essays, plays, poetry. It is only really in the last century that it has become a taboo behaviour, and even this attitude - in most areas - is on the slow decline. The only real objections have come from the bible (and there is a great deal of debate as to the actual interpretation of it's wording) and those that follow its teachings in their religions.

Now this is no way meant to mock or belittle those that are religious or follow religious belief systems; for those that believe God coddemns homosexuality it is their spiritual and constitutional right to hold such beliefs. BUT sitting on the outside looking in here, should those that believe that their God sits in judgement against homosexuals, should not those people leave the judgement to God and learn to love their homosexual brothers and sisters the way Jesus commanded all people to love one another? "Love one another as I have loved you" (Luke 22:1-38; John 13).

Now I don't know the absolute truth to the question of how God judges homosexuality. I don't know if at the end of life, all homosexuals will be sent to heaven, hell or pergatory - that is the great mystery to life I guess, what happens at the end. But while I live out my years on this earth, I only wish that I could find happiness with the ease that my fellow heterosexuals can. The religious institution of marriage is a sacred spiritual ritual, I understand that and in no way do I wish to dishonour it. But the lawful ramification attached to the ceremony (lawful protection as a commited couple, benefits and recognitions by law and state, adoption privleges, antidiscrimination protection) all these things I think I've earnt the right to as a law-abiding, tax-paying, active member of society, religious or not. Whic is why I think the laws against same-sex civil ceremones should be repealed. Likewise, I happily accept that there are many people in the world with religious beliefs they associate with (Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, so on), and I fully respect their right to hold their own beliefs and I do not criticise or belittle them for that. But again, I find it hurtful to be told by these people (this is not particularly pointed at anyone on this list but more a general comment on my own personal experiences) that I am "going to go to hell" for what I am. If I don't believe in their 'hell' why should they have the right to threaten me with it?

[This post does have a point (albeit rambling) I promise.]

But I made my peace with my choices long ago. What saddens me now is the number of people struggling hard to compromise the two polar opposites of their world, their homosexuality and their religion. I have no idea whether homosexuality is genetic or learned behaviour, whether there's a gender/sexuality continuum and everyone has a place somewhere between polar extremes, or whether people can change from one behaviour to another completely and permanently. I don't think anyone really has the answers. Stephen beleives he is a success story for the idea of 'transforming' from gay to straight, and that is his own personal beleif which I don't think any of us should dare attack or criticize. Then there are others struggling to change from 'gay' to 'straight'. Then there are those that after having been 'straight', 'come out' as gay. Both of these experiences must be devastatingly hard, mentally, physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually, and there is no doubt in my mind that some people cannot make the change completely whwther they themselves desire it or others desire it for them. And there are those lucky few who haven't had to struggle with the identity crisis because they were 'gay' or 'straight' all along.

Who we are is who we are, what we are is what we are; it may take us a long time to realise our own individual truths, but I think when we do, no matter what the outcome, that we should be free to live life as we choose - to follow our own paths to happiness: as long as we aren't consciously trying to hurt or harm others. There are 'ex-gay' support communities out there to help people struggling with their sexual identities, and I can only hope there might be a few 'ex-straight' support communities in existence too. I don't think we need to name-call or mud-sling, to threaten or condemn. Those that know their way should be left to follow it, and perhaps even supported in their differences by those with big enough hearts. And those that don't yet know their way shouldn't feel terrorized by their family, friends, communities, societies; they should be treated with love and understanding, supported until they can find their own truthes. And finding a truth is about going on a journey, sometimes that journey requires; experimentation, making mistakes, trying out options, and making choices based on circumstance.

Sorry there is so much to this, but it's a collection of thoughts I've had over the last couple of weeks that I have been reading entries and comments in this blog.

I hope everyone has a safe, positive, satisfying day. Peace.

Heart felt ....

Amongst all the bitterness and cynicism that I have found myself enshrouded in lately, I made the surprising discovery tonight that I; do, indeed, possess a functional heart! Not in the anatomical sense of course, that discovery was made quite a few years ago in fact, but in the spiritual/metaphorical sense; I have an organ that generates feelings for the rest of mankind .... and this is after chanting my mantra for a good hour and a half: "I hate humans .... we're a sick fucking cosmic joke .... we've screwed the world up ... we suck .... I hate us." What spurred on this discovery you may well ask? A movie titled "Crash". I'm not even going to try to explain it, Heavens forbid I do it that disservice. Only enough to say it's one of those human ensemble dramas which is becoming more prevalent in mainstream cinema. It follows the thread of about 9 different lives as they intersect through day-to-day life in Los Angeles. And what it set out to do it did, and did well. Those that know me know that I don't emote easily, well I'm quick to anger and jump to the defence, but I'm much slower to sympathize and very rarely do I cry - either for myself or for others.... I cried tonight. This movie took me everywhere, I was sad and happy and scared and shocked and angry and guilty. And it did it so beautifully, I was engaged so thoroughly I felt I was right there with every single character. I walked out of that theatre with my friend having learnt something about myself, and physically feeling ill for every discrimination or automatic stereotype I had ever created. And by the end I had found that deep down I still have a little spark of hope left for humanity.

Giving out free hugs people, the walls are down for one night only .... "come and get 'em!"

Mother's Day....

I spent all yesterday shopping for nice things to put into a hamper for a present for my mother. I didn't get home until just after midnight, and Mum walked in about half an hour later and in a bad mood. She quizzed me over what I'd spent my day doing and slung a few insults at me about losing weight, then went to bed. I sat up for another hour waiting for her to go to bed, and arranging her present and wrapping it just right. It consisted of:-
* a copy of her favourite magazine
* 2 DVDs ("Connie & Carla" and "Down with Love")
* a cute pair of bed socks with little pig faces
* another pair of house booties with piggy faces
* a wheat heat pack (because she's been getting neck aches)
* a box of toblerone (her favourite chocolates)
* vanilla body spray
* vanilla lip butter
* organic soaps
* and a four pack of gourmet chocolate sauces
All in a wicker basket wrapped in red cellophane and covers in beautiful butterfly stickers (butterflies are her favourite animal) ... When I was finished I snuck into her room to leave at the foot of her bed. She woke up but said she'd look at in the morning. When she did wake up this morning and checked out the present she came in and I got a 'thank you' and a kiss, and a "I didn't like 'Down with Love' it wasn't a very good movie. Take it back and change it for something else?". Now I'm not looking for a huge reaction, but a little more gratitude would have been nice. Especially because my lazy brother didn't lift a finger to help and Mum would have known that. *sigh* And to top it all off, not an hour after she'd gotten her gift, we got ito a huge fight because she went out and forgot that she'd promised me a lift to the theatre, and then abused me for getting angry when she finally answered her phone and remembered what she'd promised. No apology only a fight over me being ungrateful.

Next year it's a card and a box of chocolates.