It's a cryptic morning ....

"temporary reclusivity" (yes I know I just made it up) - the mindset which I find myself desperately searching for.

Ever get that overwhelming sensation where everything's just too much?
I guess most of it's fear, and doubt.
Just a little scared of the transitions.
Getting far too comfortable n my well-worn little ruts.
I know what I don't want to be, it's the details of what I do want that seem to allude me.

I didn't go to college today, just didn't feel up to it.
Have assessment due today that isn't done; had thought about pulling an all-nighter to finish it but sleep was more important - that's a change in attitude once upon a time a night's worth of sleep was little price to pay to finish assessment.
And today, well I should have been working away finishing that piece of assessment... but I wasn't.
It's a beautiful grey day, the sky is swollen with rain, the breeze has a light chill to it, there's the occassional chirp of a bird but other wise silence.
It's just beautiful.
I am happy, I know that, I can feel it ...
Can one be momentarily 'halted'?

Time to 'get a real job' ...

I've spent the last 4 years studying for my education degree.
Now with a little more than 18 months left, I'm starting to realise exactly what my life will entail the moment I get that expensive piece of paper.
I will be educating peoples' children; their young minds, their fledgling futures are under my control.

I'm starting to get scared.

It's not that I don't think I can do it; I've been involved with drama and acting for almost 14 years. I just worry that wth all these kids relying on me, all the expectations of their parents, and all the problems they face in this world today, that I'm not going to be good enough to guide them through.

I've been out prac teaching for the last two weeks ... commitee meetings, staff meetings, lesson plans, behaviour management, teaching strategies, learning experiences: I live, breathe, eat, sleep, dream education!

It's times like these I wish I could be a career student - at least that's safe.

Her wish ....

After the last post, I spent some time thinking about my adoption. I have to be honest, my life has been so busy recently that I've had litle chance to consciously think about. I dug around in the 'files' (a couple of bags filled with pictures and drawings and school reports and important documents that my mother keeps at the top of her cupboard) and found my mother of pearl rosary beads and the letter that went with them .... she wrote:

"To the Adoptive Parents.
Would you please give these Rosary beads to Angela Marie as a gift from me. And explain to her that I gave her up for adoption because I love her and want the best for her. When I held her in my arms it was the hardest decision of my life to give her up. But I know I made the right decision, and I'm sure she is going to a good home and that you will love her and give her more than I ever could.
yours sincerely.
Tricia"

And here I am sitting alone crying again .... because she gave me the greatest gift she could .... and my parents returned the gift by raisng me the best they knew how to honour her wish.

I am indeed a lucky girl. One with two mothers, and two names.

A child is like an island ....

I'm an adopted child.
I don't know how many people understand that situation, I'm sure there are many.
I was adopted at 6 weeks from another city, same state.
Have got some partial medical records, which is enough to get me curious but not enough to satiate the cat in me.
There was also a set of mother of pearl rosary beads and a letter left in my file from my birth mother which said that she wanted me to have a good life.

That was 23 years ago. For 23 years I've been blessed with two mothers:
one who gave me life, gave me my traits, formed the being I am;
and another who shaped that being, gave her rules and morals, opportunities and choices; love and commitment.
Both are important to me, because without either I wouldn't be who/what I am today ... the only difference between the two is that one I know and one I don't.

I left this in a person's diary as part of a comment I left:

"As for my mother, it's a tough situation. I do love her, she's been the only maternal influence I've ever had. But I am adopted, and have always known it. I'm getting to the point where I want to find my biological family - mother, possible siblings, it is important to me. But as I've found through conversations with my mother, this makes her very uneasy; I guess to her it must feel like a betrayal. I'll always be her daughter, and she'll always be my mother, but the way I see it; the blood in my veins, my features, parts of my personality, they come from someone else, and I'd like to know them as well."

Life is a difficult hand to play, no matter what cards your dealt: there are so many unknown elements, people can be unpredictable too.
I just feel a bit torn.

Breath ... Life

Sometimes the world gets too much. Doesn't matter whether you're rich or poor, a victim or a fighter ..... there's cracks in everyone's armour. And when my heart starts to beat faster and my brain's fit to explode, I finally remember to - just - breathe.

And that one breath is all the difference ... that one breath reminds me that I am one person, and I can't do it all. I can be true to myself, a good friend, a kind person, a warm soul. But I can't be everything to everyone. I just have to remember I can't shoulder all the blame; I'm no superhero.

And that breath, it reminds me .... because every lifetime is made of years that are made up of months that are made up of days that are made up of hours that are made up of minutes that are made up of seconds, that start with - just - one - breath.

And in one breath my life turns from an unliveable nightmare, to the start of an adventure ... right before my eyes.

Why I love my friends....

I guess like most people who identify as 'queer' I get the gamut of responses when I tell people (or even worse, when they find out for themselves). It's funny, in a sad and pathetic sort of way, but most of the time peoples' responses have very little to do with me as an actual person and more to do with their knowledge and beliefs on the 'gay' lifestyle. I'd like to think I'm a nice person, I'm; friendly, charming, honest, I try to be funny, go out of my way to help people, am tolerant and respectful of others. And yet once my being gay becomes a factor people who have known me for a long time can suddenly dissociate from me, and people who hardly know me are suddenly all interested. It's very odd. Luckily I haven't been at the most negative end of the spectrum where I've been assaulted, beaten or raped because of my sexual preference; but I live in constant fear that that may one day happen, which is really a sad reflection of our times. I identified as gay while I was still quite young, so it's never been a big issue for me personally, but at the same time I don't go shouting it from the roof tops either. I don't particularly 'dress' or 'act' gay (if you beleive in identifiers like that) so perhaps I still have the ability to shock people, but at the same time I don't hide my preference - I am 'out' for all intents and purposes, and I do consider myself 'proud'.

So where is this all heading you may ask .... well, after I'd spent the better part of an afternoon sharing pancakes and ice-cream with one of my beautiful friends helping her wallow in self pity because of a fight with her boyfriend, she turned to me and said: "I wish you were a guy, or that I was a lesbian coz I love you, you're wonderful." I laughed and handed her another spoonful of ice-cream, but I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. She paid me a huge compliment which was nice, but she also validated my choice in the same breath. I would never want to be a guy, am quite happy in the body/gender I have (except for about 4 cramp-filled days out of the month), but the fact that she wished me male or her lesbian was really sweet - even if it was a joke. I love my friends, because they care as much for me as I do for them.